My White-Hot Funk!
Moods and feelings are not just in your head, but you do still need to control them.
I’ll admit, I’m writing this post because I’m neck-deep in a funk. Not the, “I’m tired of cooking dinner every night” or “I don’t like my body” kind of funk, but that deep-down nasty funk that says, “I don’t matter”. Yep. I want to cry all the time.
It might have something to do with having spent last weekend with my parents who are both in fragile health. It breaks my heart to see them like that and I spend a lot more time thinking about my own future decline. It may also be because I am missing my kids and Divas in OK. After moving to IA eight months ago, I’ve met lots of great ladies but am struggling to make deep connections. My poor husband is pretty much my only sounding board now. Maybe it is the winter-time blahs. We have had way more snow than I am used to.
Blend into my malaise the white-hot flashes that sneak up on me day and night with the icy chill that follows, and I think we have the culprit. It is embarrassing, to say the least, just breaking into a sweat for no apparent reason. I’ve learned to wear layers and shower more frequently; my mood isn’t the only thing that gets funky… (sorry if that is a little too real for some of you.)
Logically, I know this too will pass. I researched today about how peri-menopause affects the mind, emotions, hormones, heart, blood vessels, sleep, etc. and can even trigger panic attacks, to which I am already susceptible. Knowing all this and managing to get through a whole day without irrationally melting down in front of other humans are two different things. I also know it isn’t going to change overnight, though that would be great!
This morning after snapping at Randy about pretty much anything he said, I had to spend a moment thinking about what was going on in my head and I just started to cry. He kept pressing me to know what was wrong with me. As I got out of the car, I told him that I just felt totally alone.
Of course, I feel isolated. Yesterday was a remote, work from home day because of the snow, and Randy was the only person I saw. It started when I asked him if we were going to do anything special for Valentine’s Day this week. He said he didn’t think so. I already knew the answer because he isn’t really into that kind of thing. I learned to accept that before I married him, but it still kind of made me sad, which on some level might be what I was looking for. From there, I started picking out every instance that he said “I” and “mine” instead of “we” and “our”. It didn’t take long to convince myself that he was detached from me and that I was the most forlorn figure in history.
After letting my loneliness ruin my whole evening and most of today, I remembered recently reading Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, by Brené Brown. I looked up the following quote and it spanked me pretty hard:
Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you.
I realize that instead of trying to find someone or something to blame my funk on, I need to ask: “What can I do to change this?” I sure as heck don’t want to stay here, and worse yet, I don’t want to convince my cute husband that maybe I need to be alone! So, what’s a Funky Diva to do?
Admit I have a problem… Done!
Talk to God about it through prayer
Decide that my mood does not dictate my worth nor the strength of my relationships
Say, “Sorry!” when I need to
Reach out to others, ask for help and let people get close
That’s my plan, I’ll let you know if it works. Feel free to comment with any ideas you might have. I might be feeling a little better already!