You’re So Vain – You Probably Think This Blog is About You…
Now that you have Carly Simon in your head, you’re welcome! The truth is I want to set the tone early in this next season of RHDiva.com. It won’t be every post, but I do want to address a big challenge of being codependent with people who exhibit NPD and BPD traits. When looking for support / information, everything is about THEM!
When my first marriage ended, it was all about him! Everyone wanted to know if he was ok, or if he was going to jail. People came out of the woodwork to see what kind of gossip they could get about him or what information they could wheedle out of me for their lawsuits against him. One challenging night, I even had some Mormon missionaries come to my house to ask me how they could pray for him! I mentioned to them that X had betrayed me on every front, cheated on me with more than a dozen men, ruined my finances along with everyone else’s, that my kids were hurt beyond comprehension, and we were losing everything we owned. I told them I could use a few prayers, myself. They just looked at me in confusion and asked me to let him know that they stopped by. Maybe it was because they were young men and they don’t pray for ladies, but clearly, I was not their mission that night.
Through the years, I have seen a couple therapists, read tons of books, listened to podcasts, watched all the YouTube videos, etc., to help me understand how to navigate life after abuse but the one thing that seems horribly out of balance is that most sources focus on the peculiarities and identification of them, spending precious little time on what we can do to get out of the hell they put us through.
Before you go any further, look up at the top of the page and click on “What are NPD, BPD & Codependency?” This will give you a clinical understanding of where I am coming from. Even if these personalities are not what you have dealt with, abuse is abuse. If we live for any length of time with abuse, we have to ask ourselves, why? The better question is, how can we stop it and not repeat the pattern?
Let’s talk about us! Now that we have the players down, what I propose regarding the topic of healing from abusive relationships, is that we consider what we have the power to change. I promise, as a dyed in the wool codependent, I have tried to “fix” everyone around me to be normal and play nice. Turns out, I have influence over very little and control over even less. The only person that I honestly have control over is myself, and sometimes I can be very difficult.
Everyone is triggered! I don’t say this callously, for the first time in our history, it is OK to say out loud “I’m not OK!” There is more talk of anxiety and depression than I can ever remember. The masses now understand what a “trigger” and “complex trauma” are. For the most part I think this is good. When it becomes not-so-good is when we decide that this is the end of the conversation.
When survivors don’t heal, they remain victims. Weirdly, we get comfortable with ill-treatment; we see it as “normal” and we perpetuate it because we honestly don’t believe we deserve better. We may have dreams of our white knight coming along, recognizing us for the gems that we are and treating us right for the first time in our lives, but that is a fantasy. I hate to tell you this but, there are a lot more people out there willing to take advantage of a solid codependent than there are healthy people who want to see us come into our own. We need to be our own white knights. We are all in different stages of healing, but if we don’t gain control over what we can control, we will just continue to be a bleeding wound that never heals, expecting the world to either cater to us or destroy us.
We are not the heroes we think we are. I used to be a little proud of the fact I was a codependent. We are the good guys and the people who hurt us are the bad guys, right?!? Nope. Face it, we were happier focusing on fixing / bailing out others, solving everyone else’s problems because it felt good being good to them. We never considered that part of why we did this was so we didn’t have to manage our own issues. It is actually kind of selfish. Ouch! I’m stepping on my own toes!
It is weird that once we find ourselves in healthy relationships with people who don’t know how to play the games we are used to, we get a little off balance. Our tools don’t work, others don’t know the script... so we escalate. At this point, we freak out at our own behavior and then we start the shame-spiral, beating ourselves up. Because we are hypersensitive and easily offended, we make even the healthy people around us feel kind of crummy. It is foreign to be wrong instead of wronged. I have only recently realized that I am actually hurting myself by being so hurt all the time. It’s no picnic for others either.
The Good Great News! We can change / grow / thrive! We are not locked into a personality disorder that would require a blood sacrifice and a team of trained professionals to break. Just making a few small changes now and a few small changes down the road and then a few more, will set us on the road to recovery and mental / spiritual / interpersonal health! Doesn’t that sound nice? We need to embrace progress over perfection. We are not who we were, and we are not who we are going to become. We are exactly who we are, right now, doing our own pushups, getting stronger every day. We are kind of awesome!
What can we do? First, understand that a life of pain and broken relationships is not what God wants for you. He made you fearfully and wonderfully. He had big plans for you from the get-go. He wants you to live your best, healthiest life so you can be a beacon of hope and promise to those around you. Ask God to help you. I know you have tried to do this on your own, but how much easier would it be if you partnered with the One who created you?
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 4:6-7
Start by starting, then when you fail, start again.
Pray about it, read scriptures that support good mental health.
Consider talking to a trained counselor or therapist. It feels good to talk to someone who doesn’t have a dog in the fight. They won’t judge or be offended by you at all (isn’t that a relief?)
Read books on boundaries. Setting these will not only protect you but those you love.
Talk to recovery-minded people, I recommend Celebrate Recovery groups which are Christ-centered recovery programs for anyone with hurts, habits or hangups (basically, everyone).
Get a mentor who has been there and can understand you even when you don’t understand yourself.
Say sorry when you fall off the wagon and then get back on.
Don’t beat yourself up! To be honest, that one is my current challenges, but I’m facing it like a big girl and breaking the spiral earlier than I used to. PROGRESS!
Celebrate success. When you are mindful and don’t do the knee-jerk reaction, pat yourself on the back. Breaking life-long patterns is not for sissys!
Sometimes it should be about you. Treat yourself to some good old-fashioned self-care. It is not selfish. For me, I often need a little autonomous time, I don’t do anything remarkable, just what I want, when I want. I love people but, being a social introvert, they wear me out when I’m surrounded by others for too long at a stretch. I also love to write or listen to books and music. You might like these things too or quite the opposite. Maybe you need to be around a lot of up-beat people to energize, hang out in nature, play pickleball or sing at the top of your lungs in your car. Just purposely make time to recharge your own batteries.
If you are having trouble with this concept, think of yourself as someone you love and are entrusted to care for. How would you treat your spouse, child, grandchild, friend or dog? Do for yourself what you would do for them. It will feel weird at first, you might raise some eyebrows, but you might just like it.
Share in the comments what recharges your batteries, helps you to heal and makes you thrive.